I always feel wrong on Mother's day. One of those days where I wish I'd never been born. Me at my curmudgeony best. Seeing all those people all happy about their mothers and then there's me. I know I'm not alone in this regard, but it's little consolation.
My co-workers tell me that any child I had would be born with half a soul. Days like this, I believe them.
I find myself increasingly unable (or unwilling) to care about anything. My job, my health, my future....these things lately are like buzzing flies around my head. I don't know what to do to fix this.
Something isn't fitting right today.
I feel like I should be doing something, but I don't know what it is. I'm sad, but I don't have a reason. I want to hurt again, but there's no reason.
I wish I weren't so fucked up sometimes.
Is my love beaten and dying in the gutter?
I realize today that something I cherish is doomed.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm stumbling around blindly with no one to guide me.
Well, now I'm the Unit Tax Advisor. Which translates into a ton of work. Taking online courses all weekend and then going to a four day course all this week. Fun fun. I bought my plane tickets to go back home. Not exactly cheap, but I should be able to get a reimbursement on them thanks to fancy leave trickery.
Maybe I can figure out a way to write them off after all this tax mumbo jumbo is done.
I'm trying really hard not to bite my fingernails.
I talked to Trish today for a long time. I think "giddy" is the term I'd use to describe how I felt afterwards. She said some things that really made me happy. I'm flying back to the States to see her in February. One good turn deserves another, I suppose. Kinda sleepy. Ate sushi and drank beer tonight. Found out that I have to go to work two hours early tonight. I'm being punished for not buying a ticket to the company's christmas party. But the thing is, I was already scheduled to work and couldn't go to the party anyways.
I fucking hate this place.
I will always be second best.
Can't sleep. Stomach hurts.
I've been thinking. I understand a lot more than I used to. I always wondered why people did the things they did. I'd sit there and think to myself "Wow, that was stupid." Now I know. I'd kill someone now if it could give me what I want. I'm throwing caution to the wind.